Welcome to the All Obscene dating service. Written by legendary dater and all around chick magnet Tommy McBang.
This tutorial will show you how to successfully date online and get you knee-deep in poon in no time. Be warned, people who have used this method have had serious injury due to overbooking women in the same night! Be sure to keep yourself organized!
Click on the girls above and fill out the bare essentials, then come back to this page so we can make a profile thats sure to score the hunnies.
Note if you are not ugly ie a woman has picked YOU up in the last 3 months then you can skip this... otherwise you are probably not as attractive as you think and definitely need this stage (you're delusional, get over it!).
Ok, like all good gimmicks your profile needs a catchy hook. This is easily achevied by looking for pictures of good looking dudes. Now I bet some of you retards have already thought "Cool, I look like George Cloony". No, you don't. Really.
Find a picture that has: same hair color, complextion and eye color. I would recommend avoiding body shots altogether, there's nothing worse than going on a date expecting a hottie and she ends up being 400lbs (same rule applies to women on dates with men).
You CANNOT expect success if your picture shows something that you have no way of living up to!
You need to lie (because you are ugly) but make it reasonable (when and if you are called out just say the picture was taken a year ago before your mother died... things got complicated but you're ready to get back in shape etc.)
Gloss over the proffessional stuff with something boring like accounting or somesuch other crap. It's not important, just make it bland but well paying (that avoids any questions like "oh, what hospital do you work at Doctor?" or "I heard they arrested a pedo at that school, did you know him?").
Do NOT put you like long walks on the beach and candlelite romanctic dinners and hugh grant movies. I can't stress what a stupid move this is. Women are smart enough to know that no man actually enjoys this. Instead, be man-proud and go for something like:
I enjoy playing sports (shows you aren't completely shaped like a potato - yes, video games are a sport), tasting wines (you enjoy trying new californian wines but your staple are french chardanays from the loire valley - trust me!) and, once and a while heading to vegas for a wild weekend!
The vegas trip is key! Suddenly you went from regular dude to black streak wild party man. You have just covered all the bases and have EVERYONE's attention.
Make sure you have a Vegas story lined up where you dropped a moderate amount of money - 10 grand is the perfect number - and lost. You wound up walking the strip till your flight in the morning where you met someone famous like drew barrymore (or some other chick actress)leaving the palms.
No, you didn't sleep with her!!! You stumbled into one of her entourage and got talking with all of them - very breifly, got and autograph and that's it. Some young fan took both your pictures... they might have thought you were a couple. End the story there!
Make up new crap as needed but always remember to keep it light and not fantastic. Avoid claiming to have won a million dollar poker tournament, but don't be a puss and say you played the slots all weekend.
But I got ahead of myself. Only pull out that story when the prospect asks you about your "wild times in Vegas". Never fails.
So you have a bite and she's been chatting with you for a while. Time to reel 'er in. Tell her about some crazy girl that's 5 years younger than her (if you don't know your prospects age yet, or she's 18... tell her the ficticous crazy girl is 23-27 years old) has been cyber stalking you after a short lunch date.
Women are naturally competitive, this will send the message that someone else is interested in you and she needs to act fast. Casually mention that you are really enjoying chatting with her and you find the adult conversation refreshing. Let her do the rest!
Well, that's the breaks. Just keep repeating the process, dating has always been a numbers game. Join all the different free dating sites below (use a different last name, picture on each and vary the stories so you aren't going to get called out by a woman on two sites) and get hooked up!
Be ready for Tommy's next article "How to fuck an online stripper" it's going to be internet gospel!